zoe's journal

Amy

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 22:36:39 GMT

amy is HERE! in SWEDEN! with ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love her muchly. she's here!!!

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 09:24:56 GMT

i haven't posted in awhile. i'm ashamed to say it's because i have a myspace. *hangs head and cries* the damn thing is so addictive. and it allows me to know whats happening with my friends in australia who dont write to me.

so...news... well that guy i liked for the past 8 months finally told me that he loved me and that we cant be friends or ever see each other again. you figure that one out. i was upset. then i realised im in another country and i've always known it would be impossible. so i got over it.

yay for me.

anywho. ive been falling really behind in my homeschooling but having a great time at the swedish school. so today i am going to desperately attempt to get 3 subjects worth of work done before tonight, fat chance!

so i get back to australia three days before the formal and i wont be enroled in the school :( so my darling friend A is going to buy me a ticket and set me up with some random guy, oddly enough im looking forward to it. i WANT to be set up. blind date here i come! ... in 2 months... but still! something to look forward to.

well must be off

xoxx zoe

falling for the wrong guy

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 17:51:01 GMT

How does it happen?

I fell for you long ago

I wish it didn’t happen

Because you’re different

You’re everything I want

But you’re nothing that I want

I’m dreaming of you

But it isn’t you

I’m hoping it’s a lie

I hate it when you lie

I’m thinking about you, always

Only it’s not you

You don’t exist

The way I want you

You are something else

Something no-one could want

And yet, somehow,

It’s you I want.

Break my heart

So I can leave you

You broke my heart

Yet here I am.

i know iknow it's crap

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 17:10:35 GMT

this poem really isn't any good, but im posting it anyway. not sure why... i guess im a bit sad bout not hearing from many of my friends, who all promised to write. i love them all but it still hurts... i love the ones who write even more :p

i'm talking to you
can't you hear
deaf, are you?
i'm needing you near

tell me something
anything will do
i'll wait for the ring
(this line was so bad i took it out)

you promised me
promised you'd call
so this is me
waiting in the hall

pft grrrrrrrrrr
ciao

snow snow snow

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 19:38:34 GMT

SNOW!!!!!!!!!!
snow is cold
snow is wet when it melts
snow is fun!
snow is white
snow is wonderful
i have snow
you dont
HAHA

Things to do in the Snow

Make snow angels
Draw
Stomp
Take giant steps
Act like penguins
Pretend to be a penguin
Scuff your feet in the snow and kick it everywhere
Roll in the snow
Throw snow in the air
Throw snow at other people (but don’t do it when its windy because it just flies back into your face – trust me, I know)
Jump in the snow

The above are all excellent things to do in the snow. Do them as often as possible. Snow is wonderful. But make sure you dust yourself off properly before going inside – that way the snow doesn’t melt on you and make you wet. I have learnt all these things from experience : )

ciao

Zoë

YOU'RE OFF THE MAILING LIST! doing 2 different schools work at once is hard

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 15:49:45 GMT

so the world spins, yes?

anywho i had a rather unexciting day today :( i got to school at 8.20 (it was an effort but i made it) ready and excitedly looking forward to my first philosophy class in sweden. only to discover that i had been put into the swedish class not the english one. this means that everyone spoke swedish except me. so i headed to the principals office and waited FOREVER to see him. i did manage to fix all the glitches in my timetable which is good. i then had math with the year 1s, dont ask me why (stupid timetable). this means that i now have classes with all three year levels and i dont have a form class thingy...
so i sat in the year 1 math class marveling at the fact that for once i was ahead of someone in maths, and also marveling at the way the WHOLE class managed to be extremely rude to me. i have decided that from now on i shall not be going to math classes. i shall go to the library instead and do my homeschool math there. so that period was a huge waste of time. after math i had a three hour break before my next class. so i did a tiny bit of homework and drifted from one group of friends to the next (in the lunch room), i sat with whomever i could find. considering i've only been at the school for four days i felt proud that i knew anyone at all :) finally it was time for my english class YAY! it was great! we read and analyzed poetry. was much fun. oh i forgot to mention that after math i had a 40 minute swedish class, i learnt to introduce myself and say how old i am and where i live. are you proud?
after english i came home. whoop whoop. i spent alot of time wondering around aimlessly today :s not so good. and im very behind in my homeschool work - i just can't motivate myself into doing it. doing two schools worth of work at the same time is hard. i dont recommend it.
it's been snowing all day. very pretty and white and clean and cold and amazing. i love it
ciao
zoe
ps: forgot to mention. i've decided to stop emailing the people who haven't replied to any of my emails. i'm TAKING THEM OFF THE MAILING LIST. if this includes you you should know that you've hurt my feelings and i wont email you bout anything until you email me *crying, sobs, sniffs and glares*

Doors and lies

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 16:31:32 GMT

Doors and Lies

When she opens the door
He slams it closed
When she holds out her hand
He slaps it away

The flower she holds
Wilts and withers
But the rose remains whole
Waiting for returned affection

Like the pale red of dawn
She stands her ground
Forever chasing him
Without making a sound

Over and over
She tells of her love
But he can never hear
He is wearing a glove

For protection he hides
Out of spite he lies
Yet still she stands
Door open

fucking boys

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 15:14:48 GMT

so there's this boy. he's screwing with my emotions. over and over. he has told me he doesnt care for me in that way. but i can't get over him. any suggestions? anything that will make it better? anything that'll stop it hurting?

spreading the love (?)

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 15:02:03 GMT

Because I said I would...

Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one reason (or more?) why I like you.
Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love. ♥

something fun to do

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 20:18:58 GMT

Put your iPod/Mp3 player/iTunes on shuffle...no cheating...and, if your life was a movie, this would be the soundtrack.

Opening credit: Better when we're together - Jack Johnson
Waking up: i still do - Cranberries
Average day: Chain Reaction - ?
First date:Soave sia il vento - Mozart
Falling in love: Blame it on the Boogie - Michael Jackson
Fight scene: Green Green Rocky Road - McGarrigle Hour
Breaking up: where are you now - the Audreys
Getting back together: Joe - Cranberries
Life's Okay: Hurry on home - Kristina Olsen
Mental Breakdown:Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
Driving: That kind of love -? (Buffy Soundtrack)
Flashback: i like to move it! - Ministry of Sound

HA! hilarious... i guess a couple of them are kinda fitting. btw the song 'i still do' isnt actually the name of the song, i didnt know it so i made it up using the first line i heard :p

Waiting

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 16:18:57 GMT

this poem is, of course, about a boy. i'm not to sure about a few of the stanzas though... (last line first verse, last line third verse) i think a few are a bit weak. let me know what you think:

I’m waiting for you to write to me
I’m waiting for you to call
I’m waiting for you to care for me
I’m waiting for nightfall

I sit and often write to you
I write about how I am
I write to ask after you
I’m wondering who I am

Why do I yearn for you?
Why is it you that I crave?
What is it about you,
That has me in such a craze?

I’m waiting to get over you
I’m waiting for the day
When I’ll no longer care for you
In any kind of way

moosh

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 22:10:29 GMT

im feeling all smooshed.
im in sweden, isnt that cool? i think it is... im feeling a tad lonely, i miss all my friends and its only been 5days :( i dont want to irritate my friends but i keep telling them to email me, but they dont *crying*
im being pathetic i know but meh everyones gotta be occasionally...
i feel so ashamed i made a myspace *hangs head*. i made it so i could comment on all my friends blogs etc but ive found it extremely addictive. damn it. so now im trying to figure out how to use it, which i cant. i cant even figure out what my own site thingy address is. grrrrr. but meh i spose i'll survive.
HA! im watching "The Guru" tis hilarious
well must be off, i dont really have anything to say anyway
ciao

Happy Valentine

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 16:21:26 GMT

HAPPY VALENTINE

you are my love
my one and only
for when the others are gone
you'll still be there

you are my love
my one and only
you make me smile
and give the best hugs

you are my love
my one and only
and i will be yours
forever and always

this poem was originally written for Amy, so far away.

update, here in Sweden

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 20:20:20 GMT

I have just realised that I have lost all my favourite sites because i'm on a new computer. Do you have any idea how much that sucks?! Omg! it means I cant surf the net mindlessly reading about other people, I cant view my friends sites :'( so please please, if it's possible, send me the link to your myspace/blog/LJ or favourite sites. I would appreciate that so very much!

Here’s the journal entry I wrote this morning when I awoke in Sweden. (Don’t worry I knew I was here, I didn't just wake up to find myself in another country :p):

"it's snowing! Right now! I just woke up and it's beautiful. Yesterday when we were coming into land, on the plane, the first thing I saw was a huge frozen lake. Followed by fields and forests all covered with snow, it was amazing. I now know the reality of 'blankets of snow'. When I landed the temperature was -1C, scary! I met mama after waiting along time at baggage claim. We then proceeded to go underground to catch the Arlanda Express Train (Arlanda is the name of the airport). It was so easy and user friendly. The train moved so fast that when we went through a tunnel the pressure made your ears pop, and after we felt a tad dizzy. Maria (pronounced Marie), the woman who has been helping us organize our apartment etc, met us at the station - Stockholm Central - and showed us to the taxi and told us where to go. She had with her her five month old baby - Anna. When we reached our apartment we had to carry three suitcases plus two laptops and hand luggage up two flights of stairs - needless to say it took awhile. The wonderful thing is that the stairs to our apartment are a spiral! And marble. It’s a tad dangerous though because if you don't walk on the outside you'll trip and fall because the insides of the stairs are very narrow. We did not see much of Stockholm in the taxi, but from what I did see the buildings are wither very old and beautiful or very new. so, when we had finally reached the door to out apartment we went in - bracing ourselves for the pre-warned tinyness that was expected - only to find a spacious four room plus bathroom apartment! We have a bedroom with one bed, a desk and cupboards, with plenty of space for another bed. We have a living room which is beautiful and very homey - except for the random statues of naked men, hmmm. And we have a kitchen, which is tiny but adequate. The fourth room is more of a hallway connecting the three rooms with the bathroom hiding behind a door - but its room shaped. The bathroom is miniature and cute. The bathtub walls are as high as my thigh and the bottom of it moves when you stand on it, very odd sensation."

That’s about as far as I got. Once we had showered and dressed we put many layers on and went outside. It was great! It was snowing!!! I’ve never really been in snow and it’s beautiful. This snow was very fine and soft. I made a few snowballs but mama wouldn’t let me throw them at her :( we went for a short walk and discovered and bakery and a 7-Eleven. So we bought a loaf of bread and some milk. When we arrived back 'home' we realized that the bread we had bought was cinnamon and walnut and that instead of milk we had bought sour yoghurt, not so good. The bread was nice though. Maria and Anna came over soon after breakfast and we all went out for a walk. We are living in Lox, which is the 'cool' part of town. So that's good, I’ll be fashionable via location :p. it was wonderful to walk through Sweden, everything was black and white. Like a photo, only cold. I really love the look of the trees; they are bare and dark with snow covering the tops of them and glistening in the light. We walked down hill toward the centre of town and looked out across the river (part of which was frozen - how cool is that!) it was all very pretty and hard to describe. I took several photos though and will attempt to send them asap. I wrote "Zoë and Ruth in Sweden" in snow on the path and took giant steps in untouched snow. I had lots of fun :p. the town is very pretty and quaint. At the moment it is very fashionable to have a baby or be pregnant in Sweden so almost every woman we saw had a baby or was pregnant, there were several men with babies too :p. I love the stores here, everything is expensive though :s. it gets dark so quickly that I keep loosing track of time, which gets a tad frustrating.
Must be off, time for dinner
zoe

candy heart

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 13:39:02 GMT

Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me"

A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out.
Your heart is open to where ever love takes you!

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned out

Your flirting style: lots of listening and talking

What turns you off: fighting and conflict

Why you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

cause and effect

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 07:16:49 GMT

when my ears are full of water
everything echos
when my thoughts are drifting
they always settle on one person
when my tears are coming
i hold them back
when my eyes are flowing
i hug myself
when my voice is laughing
my mouth smiles
when my body is dancing
my mind is swirling
when my heart is broken
everything stops.

when im gone

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 11:46:25 GMT

don't forget me,
when im gone
remember to miss me,
when im gone

I’m gonna stay
Just for awhile
I will be back
One day soon

So don’t forget me
When I’m gone
Please remember me
When I’m gone

Because I’ll never stop
Thinking of you
I’ll never stop
Missing you

Perfect

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 03:11:56 GMT

sitting there she looks perfect; dress unwrinkled, bonnet neatly tied, every hair in place. her face is pale with two slightly pink cheeks. her mouth is small and neat, a perfect bow shape. above her mouth her nose calls no unnecessary attention to itself - it is small but not too small, it is, of course, perfect. her hair is neatly hidden, hiding under her white bonnet with pink lace, with just a few wispy curls hanging free, allowing it to be known that its golden colour is unlike any other. as she sits there she stares into the distance, perfectly poised, never blinking. maybe she is dreaming. dreaming about freedom. dreaming about a certain young man. dreaming about a darling little girl with similar golden hair and pale oink cheeks. a little girl who is all grown up. a little girl who is gone. as she sits, staring, perhaps she imagines standing up and walking out of the small, almost empty room. perhaps she wishes to stand and scream, and laugh, and cry and sing. but she doesn't. instead she sits and does nothing, for she is perfect. the most perfect thing about her are her eyes. they are clear and shinning with untold stories. they are green and large. they are shaped like almonds with long dark lashes. they are unblinking and glossy. for perfect though she it, she is just a doll and always will be. perfect.

unrequited love

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 08:10:46 GMT

Your hair curls round your neck
Your eyes glimmer at me
Your smile calls to me
Your body is strong

You pull me close
Whisper in my ear
Tighten your arms around me
“come here” you said

I think I love you
But you don’t want me
“not like that” you said
but still you pull me close

your smell surrounds me
even when you’re not near
your smell scares me
I wish you were here

“I’m messed up” you said
“you don’t want me” you said
I don’t care what you are
I love you, I want you

Why cant you love me back

deal with it

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 07:40:45 GMT

I’m here for you
I always am
But if you want
To destroy me, you cant

This is my heart
You don’t have the right
To take it apart
And play with it

These are my feelings
You so carelessly destroy
I offered them to you
But you refused

So when you want
A power trip, I’ll tell you upfront
That you cant use me
To empower yourself

You didn’t want me
You cant have me
Get a grip on reality
And sort yourself out

im going to die

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 03:34:41 GMT

a story written as a poem

I’m Going to Die

I used to think that apples were blue.
I used to think that mangoes were shoes.
I used to think that life was simple.
I used to think that I could survive.
I don’t anymore.

A long time ago,
What a cliché phrase,
My father died.
I don’t really remember him,
Just a smiling face with twinkling eyes.

Not so long ago my mother died.
I remember her, clear as day,
Though her face is blurry.

I’m in hospital.
They say I’m going to die.
They don’t know that I can hear them.
I don’t mind.
I’m happy I’m going to die.

I like the idea of meeting God,
I like the idea of reincarnation,
But I believe that there is nothing after life.

I like the idea of floating through empty space,
No feelings,
No memories,
Nothing.

I don’t feel any pain,
I sleep most of the day,
But I still find time to write this.

The nurses and doctors walk around me,
Whispering to each other.
Not bothering to talk about me where I can’t hear them.
To them I am just another sick person,
In a hospital full of others who might survive.

They know I’m going to die.
They know that I know that I’m going to die.
I don’t mind.

I’m going to die
Without even putting my name down on this piece of paper.
I’m going to die.

hmmmmmmm this was a story i wrote a while ago... for some reason i typed it like a poem... i think it'd be better in a story format, what do you think?

I used to think that apples were blue. I used to think that mangoes were shoes. I used to think that life was simple. I used to think that I could survive. I don’t anymore.
A long time ago, what a cliché phrase, my father died. I don’t really remember him, just a smiling face with twinkling eyes. Not so long ago my mother died. I remember her, clear as day, though her face is blurry.
I’m in hospital. They say I’m going to die. They don’t know that I can hear them. I don’t mind. I’m happy I’m going to die. Some people say that when you die you go to heaven to meet God. Others say that you get reincarnated as either an animal or human depending on how you acted in life. The Jews say that there is nothing after life, there is only life so it is best to live it to the full. I like the idea of meeting God, I like the idea of reincarnation, but I believe that there is nothing after life. I like the idea of floating through empty space, no feelings, no memories, nothing.
I don’t feel any pain and I sleep most of the day, but I still find time to write this. The nurses and doctors walk around me, whispering to each other. Not bothering to talk about me where I can’t hear them. To them I am just another sick person in a hospital full of others who might survive. They know I’m going to die. They know that I know that I’m going to die. I don’t mind.
I’m going to die without even putting my name down on this piece of paper.
I’m going to die.

as time goes by

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 12:17:08 GMT

why is it that whenever one is alone, bored, not doing anything, or has things to do, time decides to go really really slowly? is it a personal vendetta? or something simple, like the simple fact that im taking more notice of it. these last few days time has made feel like at least a week... maybe more. i feel as though ive lost all sense of time, minutes feel like hours, hours like days, and days like weeks. its very frustrating and yet i dont have the energy to care. i dont have the energy for anything. but meh, i'll live...
ciao zoe

Butterfly

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 03:51:10 GMT

Be strong little Butterfly
There's nothing wrong
You can only try
Quickly now, join the throng

Blown hither and thither
By forces unknown
But don't wilt and wither
The way to go has been shown

Be brave, little Butterfly
There's nothing wrong
Fly high little Butterfly
For you are strong

Queen of procrastination

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 01:03:19 GMT

I am sitting here sprawled on my couch doing pretty much nothing. I am hoping that if I continue to do nothing all that work that I should be doing will disappear or magically do itself. So far this hasn’t happened and it’s all sitting on the table doing ‘nothing’ a lot better then me. I have a plan though, but like all plans it has a flaw; the plan is this: do as much work before I go away so that while im away ill have time to chill out. The flaw in the plan is this: I actually have to do the work. Infact I think that the whole home-schooling system is a flaw because they expect students to have discipline and no self respecting teenager has any discipline at all… unless… nope no unless its just not possible. When I started this journal entry I was listening to a wonderful soothing cd, Between Last Night and Us – the Audreys, but unfortunately that has finished and now I am listening to the Dropkick Murpheys’ album Sing Loud! Sing Proud! Which is very lively and rocky… its great. The members of the band are American with Irish backgrounds so they use bagpipes and things in their songs and its all very upbeat and happy yet very full on. LOVE IT!

Anyway, back to what I haven’t done… I haven’t cleaned the house, read through the work requirements for each subject, organized my books properly, ummm done anything other then stuff around on the computer and hope that, even though everyone is at school, someone will come on line and talk to me. I was such an idiot this morning, I was gonna go for a walk so I thought I’d use deodorant (of course) but instead of using the role on I used a spray. I happen to be allergic to something in the spray on deodorant so I sprayed it on my clothes and not me. Unfortunately the wind chose to blow at the precise moment that I pressed the spray button and a large portion of the stuff blew into my face and now I’m having an allergic reaction. Thankfully my walk was canceled and I can recover in solitude. From now on im only using spray deodorant when the window is closed. Lesson learnt and remembered. Though, I do smell nice…

I am determined that as soon as I get off the computer I WILL read and begin the work in at least one of my subject books…. I think I’ll do history or philosophy because they don’t require me to have already read a novel, unlike English and literature, and they don’t have anything to do with math, and they don’t require me to start a Visual Diary, unlike art history. So now I just have to get off the computer… so NOT gonna happen!

I think I was foolish to attempt to do six subjects… I should have just done five. Oh well I don’t think I can drop out now :( I spose I’ll live… once I get organized… I should really do that…

Ok this is depressing; I’ve run out of things to say…. I never thought it was possible, but alas it has happened… I spose this means that I have to go do my work :( *sigh*
Wish me luck
Ciao zoe
a.k.a Queen of Procrastination

Song - Christina Rossetti

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 11:23:42 GMT

When i am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:

Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on, as if in pain;
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget.
Song - Christina Rossetti